am i in the right, or am i in the wrong? my temper has always been a fault of mine, the way i'd rather sit pissed and talk it out with a select friends than actually fix the problem. but i think in my situation i'm slightly justified because of the circumstances. if you had a class at 830 AM four out of five days a week, and the people you live with don't come home until 2 to 230 AM, and don't quiet down til 3, i think you can see from my perspective. if you have church on sunday morning and the people you live with (plus some) don't really take into account that some people are trying to sleep on a saturday night, i think you can see from my perspective.

granted, i'll concede that the current moment in time is 10:26 PM, but based on precedent i can foresee the fact that i'm not going to get peace and blissful rest for another four or five hours. i think my residence sucks crap. the main reason? the walls are paper thin, so i can hear and, yes, feel a party going on anywhere in east elgin. so you can understand my frustration when the origin of disturbance is just outside my bedroom. you can understand why i choose not to step outside unless i must because i've grown fairly annoyed at the same six or seven people, yet i usually single out two or three in my mind.

if you know anything about me, you already know who one person is, because either i would have told you, or you would be of similar mindset as myself. am i seeking sympathy? no. am i seeking pity? no. am i seeking prayer? yes. because God loved us so dearly even when we were festering in the cess pools of sin and darkness, when He, the ultimate being of light, abhors that nature. yet in an act of pure, unadulterated, agape (ah-gah-pay) love, God sent down Jesus to redeem us. having said that, if God can look past a whole world's faults...i should at least try to co-operate with said persons.

a very wise friend and older brother of mine once said, "be friendly to everyone, but don't be a friend to just anyone." and the phrase has adhered itself to the front of my mind. i've asked myself upon many an occasion, are these people going to be beneficial to my spiritual walk, or will their actions, language, and behaviour hinder me from growing closer to Him? to be honest, i have a hard enough time remaining on the straight and narrow path without external influences, believe you me. yet i reluctantly acknowledge, within my heart of hearts - however cliche that may sound or appear to you, dear reader - that my current behaviour is something that neither glorifies nor magnifies Christ. i remember praying and asking that God would guide my hands and feet, my tongue and attitude to become more like Him; i wanted people to see and yearn for an honest, open relationship with our Creator when they looked upon me. I wanted to be different, set apart for You, my Father, ready to do Your will.

and now my second dilemma, more pressing than the first. i've come to realize of late my fading interest for sciences. biology was something i was planning to do after i finished education, but after only half a year i find myself with the desire to switch paths. perhaps - and likely - the main reason i thought biology and sciences in general to be of interest was due to my high school teachers. they made the subjects interesting and fun to learn, but take those very people away and all i was left with was...

upon sharing the news with my father, i was rather taken aback, to say the least, by his response. years back when i had originally confided in him what i wanted to do with my life, he wasn't so supportive of the idea that i write for a living. frankly speaking, i found it fairly amusing when a friend of mine (when i told her i was considering switching programs) immediately said, "duhhhhhh, you should be a writer." i literally laughed out loud when yet another close peer told me that her own mother was confused when she found out i was going into science as opposed to arts. and then, of course, i said, "geez, did everyone know but me?" but i suppose that that is what the purpose of university is: 1) to learn how to learn 2) to find yourself. addressing the latter, university is the time when your true colours show for all to see. in first year, you can be whoever you choose to be; reinvent yourself if that is what you wish. but the fact is, even if you decide to become totally different, you're becoming the person you always wanted to be. it is in university and/or college that your faith is put to the test. no longer can your parents force you to get up for church every sunday morning; that decision belongs solely to you. nobody will know if you skip church besides you and God. even if you go with friends, what would you do if your friends went home for a weekend and left you alone? would you still wake up sunday morning and go to church without them? personally speaking, i'd like to say "yes", but i'm sure we all know how words are easily spoken, yet actions are difficult in execution.

i apologize, i digress. previously i mentioned there being a predicament, and here it is: if i switch into the arts, is that what God has planned for my life? i assure you, the matter has been in my prayers, but upon retrospect, i cannot honestly say to you that i've been listening for the answer. ah well, time reveals all if we wait long and diligently enough for its response.

and...i don't really want to say it, but lawl. a third issue to share about (see, this is what happens when you don't journal for a while, everything comes out at once). lately i've been quite disgruntled at my parents because of the idiotic fact that neither can come pick me up after exams. i found it unfair, especially since they always used to drive out and come back with my siters when they needed it, yet this is my first christmas ever in university, and they can't make the time? i'm ashamed of the immature reaction i gave to my father, but now i'm wondering: why do i care so much? i mean, it's only a ride home, and if anything, it should make me anticipate entering my front doors and seeing my parents on the other side with open arms.

"family...family...family comes first."

that inspiring, revelatory quote comes from the movie "Click" (adam sandler), a man, in part due to circumstances outside of his control, misses out on years of family life. it's only in his (SPOILER) dying moments he reaches out to his newlywed son about to skip a honeymoon for business, tells him to go on that honeymoon, because nothing in this world is more important than blood ties(/SPOILER). the first time i watched it, i could recognize the sentimental value, and that was about it. when i watched it again, i actually felt the tears welling up in my eyes because it's so personal to me. i missed out many years with my old man because he was always at work, and it's only recently that he's regretted the fact that he lost those years. a lack of a solid father-son relationship was something that haunted me for a long while, and i still use it as an excuse. yet i know that my dad now tries to establish some sort of contact. a little late? yes, but the truth of the matter is he's making the effort.

that's my current life in a nutshell, and all i can do is thank you if you took the time out of your day to read it all. i came in knowing that brevity would not be able to describe this post, but i hadn't expected it to become this lengthy, so i apologize. and if i ruined "Click" for you, please don't kill me like snape killed dumbledore on top of the astronomy tower at the end of "Half Blood Prince".

oh. i see. you haven't read the sixth harry potter book either. okay then.