the draining communion cup.

i think it's about time i went home. i don't know where or why this has suddenly overcome me, but i get the feeling of broken-ness. but i don't think this is the kind of broken-ness for God. this just feels like plain being borked every which way to the point i feel like...like i don't know anymore. to a point unknown. and it's not one of those "i can't deal with it any longer so i'm going to kill myself" kinds of broken-nesses, but more of a "i can deal with it, i just don't know how to" which, in my opinion, is far worse because then you have to live with the stupid thing and not know a) what's wrong, and b) how to fix it.

but that's only a half truth. i know what's wrong and i know what needs to be fixed. i think he's trying to get my attention again, and in a big way by using such little things. i dream these dreams to make these attempts only to have them fail, so i can realize that what i'm chasing is fruitless. and what are the odds the one cup i picked was draining itself?

i know i haven't blogged in a while, but it's always been in the back of my mind. i think subconsciously i avoided blogging so the few people who did spend a few minutes of their day to read my posts would stop doing so. not because i didn't like them reading, but because i always felt a little dishonest when blogging because i could never really get at what i felt or wanted to say without being struck by the fear of what those readers would think of me.

even now that fear still strikes. what if they, on the off chance, decided to check on this page and read again? should i say "please don't come here anymore" or disable the page entirely, or start saving everything as drafts? no, because if people care enough to visit this page and read, then i guess i shouldn't deny them nor reject them for their troubles.

sigh (and i actually sighed there; it's more than a convention of speech, you know).

all of this envy and jealousy and longing and regret and hoping-for-what-might-be and plain overall THIS SUCKS is just. everywhere. as of an hour ago. maybe it's the people. i won't try to pretend they're good influences; some of them are downright bad, but most of them are simply...neutral. but that could be even more dangerous because the complacency and apathy rubs off on me, and i grow stagnant. as i said earlier today during a nice lunch with two others, "i'm just...sitting."

these people. they are so amazing, so wonderful, so beautiful, so filled-to-the-brim-they-can't-hold-it-in, so blessed, and what a wretch am i. this feeling is so striking, so very jarring down to the depths, beyond the frayed edges of who i appear to be, tearing through the fabric and cloth of the facades i have spun to keep it all in. the angst, the sorrow, the weeping, the dead.

am i fighting the good fight? am i running the good race? am i keeping the faith? i think i've been down on the ground, resigned to wait for the count to reach ten. i think i've stopped running and resorted to walking the rest of the distance. and i don't think i am. what a waste i've become; fourteen years of christian schooling and this is who i am. a lump of flesh and bone, of dust and blood combined, given the divine breath to breathe and to live and to...squander it all upon NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL. everything i've accrued has amounted to nothing.

and that is the deepest despair of all. everything i have gained is nothing, because i have gained nothing. "the car went nowhere because there was nowhere to go."

i don't sleep anymore. i dream, which is infinitely worse than sleeping, because i do not control the world in which i dream, and where the yearnings of my subconscious are brought to life, the fears of my subconscious are given life. and when i wake, the greatest feeling of loss overwhelms me because in the few seconds i sit upright in my bed, breathing quickly with my heart racing, i come to realize it was all just a dream. none of it was real. the people i loved, the people who loved me, the things i did, the things that happened, none of it was ever real, except for in my head.

i don't expect anybody to understand because i don't expect anybody to read this. and if somebody were to read this, i wouldn't expect you to understand this anyway even though you say you might, because each person's broken-ness is different. how can the broken cup say to the broken vase "i know how you feel" when they were composed entirely differently? each had its own shape, its own purpose, its own life, so how can the cup understand the vase whatsoever? it can't, simple as that. it can pretend to, it can try, but it won't. ever.

i don't mean this to be a sad, pour-your-guts-out post. i intended this to be an honest, true-to-heart post. uncensored - well, not completely - truth. and like i said to someone a few weeks ago, "lol i thought you knew me =P i don't get happy endings, remember? i'm the guy who gets the okay ending." and i find that to be quite true. i'm not trying to be pessimistic (but maybe i am anyway), but if you ask me how i'm doing, much more often than not i'll reply with "okay" or "alright" (ad nauseum), and hardly ever a "good" or "great". i'm the black knight, holding the last piece of the princesses' heart to always ensure it will remain forever safe and unharmed.

------
done to 'see right through me' by mobile.

the hand stretched out over infinity, yet failed to grasp naught but tendrils of hair seeping quickly in between his fingers. the blood was pumping through his ears, causing a symphony of crashes and cries and a cacophony of weeping and sorrow all combined into one beautiful yet tragic song. the emptiness inside his gut, the pounding of his head, the heaving of his chest, how much time had passed, and how much time did he have left? too much, too little, and yet all the time in the world.

everything froze.

he saw her as she was, her eyes glistening with the tears of lost hope as her own hand flailed outwardly towards his own. in this halted eternity time could not touch, their fingertips brushed and their teardrops let fly sparkled in the rushing winds. and then time returned, doubling its efforts and causing it all to move twice as fast.

his mouth opened and lips moved, shouting words only she would ever hear as they were lost within the cavernous expanse. she was growing farther and farther away, slipping away into the sheets of the vast unknown. her eyes hid themselves, shut tight with teeth clamped down upon a lip as her hand made a final stretch. he struggled to connect over the boundless gap, his fingers stretching and pushing closer and closer...

he fell for a long time. and yet he could not help but let the hot tears fly as he listened to her song trailing behind him.