WHAT THE EFF.
I don't know why I got so effing strung out about this. I have far more important things to think about. It doesn't mean it's not important...Wait. Yes, it does. It's not important to me, it's really not. And nothing will be amiss, either; I don't feel like getting lost within the horde of faces, so I'm not going to jump in. I'll be Scar for once, getting to watch others fall into the stampeding bison. Yeah, that'd be nice.
Go away. Good riddance.
Heh, kind of feels like an epiphany. I like the sound of crumpling paper.
-------------
Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the cockpit.
Sinking.
Feeling.
Spin me 'round again
And rub my eyes,
This can't be happening.
When busy streets, a mess with people,
would stop to hold their heads - heavy.
Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years,
They were here first...
Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
The sweeping insensitivity of this
Still life...
Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines,
(Oh, you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears,
(Hearts)
They were here first.
Mmm what'd you say?
Mmm that you only meant well?
Well, of course you did.
Mmm what'd you say?
Mmm that it's all for the best?
Of course it is.
Mmm what'd you say?
Mmm that it's just what we need,
And you decided this.
Mmm what'd you say?
Mmm what did she say?
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth,
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs,
Speak no feeling, No i don't believe you,
You don't care a bit,
You don't care a bit.
------------
posted by curt @ 8:14 PM
2 Comments:
mostly in reference to the last post...
"lol i thought you knew me =P i don't get happy endings, remember? i'm the guy who gets the okay ending." -- trust me, people aren't as happy as you think they are. i guarantee you there are many people out there who you think are 'happy', but actually feel exactly like you do.
mm.. you seem broken. that's probably a good thing in this case. you seem to be unsatisfied with your life. that's also a good thing. you seem to dislike many parts of yourself. that is also good. you seem hopeless. that is not good.
you know, coming to the realization that you are disappointed and dissatisfied with your own life is a good thing, and i would consider being able to see yourself in your true state, completely wretched and utterly despicable, as a blessing. that's not where this ends, though.
the answer to this is not self-pity. i don't say that to accuse you of it. i say that because you remind me of myself. for the longest time i would be dissatisfied with myself and have a "THIS SUCKS" outlook for everything in life. and my response was to sit there unhappily and continue in life like that. that's not how it works. someone once said to me, "i think you like being depressed." or something along those lines. i was like *...no... who likes being depressed? why would i purposely make myself sad. my life sucks. that's not my fault. it's just the way things are*. then i thought about it. perhaps it was true.
everything in life depends on the perspective you take to look at it, and life is what you make of it. don't wallow in self-pity. it's the easy thing to do, it makes you feel better, and it frees you from taking responsibility for the things in your life. you get to the state of unhappiness and utter disgust with yourself and your life, and you get up and do something about it.
"i think i've stopped running and resorted to walking the rest of the distance. and i don't think i am." -- that's not how you do it.
you're not happy with your life? go and do something about it. you feel like you've wasted your life? stop wasting the rest. you want something in life? go and get it.
it's hard for me to get this into words, because i don't know how to exactly, and thus this probably comes across unclearly and i become repetitive, but it took me forever to realize that i had been sitting inactively in self-pity when there was so much i could have and should have done to change it. that i had been interepreting everything as 'THIS SUCKS' when i didn't have to be. that i wasn't what/where i wanted to be, but i also wasn't doing anything to become what i did want to be.
there is hope. there always is. there is joy and fulfillment waiting to be reached. there is direction and purpose. there is more than you could ever see or imagine, waiting there for you. you just have to get up and do something about it.
i don't know why i comment on your blog instead of walking over and talking to you :P. i think you're asleep. that's why.
Curt... just gonna start by apologizing for first year. I'm sorry for being insensitive and keeping you up at night along with everyone else. Not to excuse myself but I honestly didnt know you were in there half the time, until i heard music or you playing on your guitar ><'. I had a vision of what university was going to be like.. living with you and i thought i'd be sticking with you more often than not, but i nothing really turns out right does it? Again, I'm sorry.
I remember the old times too (referring to a very old post - i realized i hadnt blogged in ages and i came back to check...when i realized maybe you might have expressed your feeling elsewhere, but having lost my login information, i quickly lost track of checking it before this day) just yesterday, i looked back in my life.. as you may/maynot see on my blog.. and i realized i had lost people or become distant from a lot of people that were close to me, yourself included. I remembered sleepovers we had.. specifically one picture that remains at my mom's workplace (i think) when i was still at 100 valleymede and 3 of us were playing Super Nintendo.. I remember the fun times back in elementary and especially during grades 11 and 12.. when we went to loblaws all the time and stuff.. It was great to hang out with you again.
First year, i was dumb.. just overjoyed with the freedom of being away from nagging parents.. and without self-control, i fell apart. Like you said in one post.. our faith is tested when we left PCA, where we were protected and guided, and i've known my weakness, but never taken action to improve myself. I can understand the feelings, although not the situations from which you get the feelings, you've expressed in many of your posts... as you said in one post, "we can never understand, no matter how much we try or pretend"... i'm not going to pretend to know what you go through, cuz i dont. I'm not one of the people you would confide in obviously cuz i've gone with the crowd and often left those important people in my life in the dust, wondering where i am if/when they needed me. I'm oblivious to people's needs and probably have shown my character to be different, a mask if you will. I guess that's been my attitude wherever i go... put on a mask that will make me fit in.. then disappear as if i was never a part of it when the people i try to get along with, part ways.
Sorry for rambling about myself. I don't know where i was going with that... prob trying to find myself, and why i'm who i am... But the main things i wanted to say are... 1) i'm sorry, 2)you're my valued friend (even when we're distant and i'm not showing it), 3) I'd do my best to help/change if you would let me know (cuz i'm oblivious like that) - Ben
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