SOS

what can i say? the last twenty four hours haven't exactly been the most enjoyable. it's left me wondering when the universe will get around to checking the scales of balance, to make sure that everybody's good and bad are weighing out correctly.

joy. to be joyful in all circumstances. why is that so hard? all i've felt were scared and wronged. i find it hard to be seeking joy when my heart is racing and i'm hearing crunching footsteps in the salt coming from behind me, for whatever purpose. i find it hard to be seeking joy when i'm standing in front of my professor, attempting to defend my point that i'm not a cheater, nor did i help someone else cheat. high school friends are working on exams, while my fellow first years are trying to keep up with the high standards of certain programs. i get that feeling, like i'm completely frozen in time and everybody else is racing on around me. i wonder how Jesus felt in the garden of gethsemane, knowing that He'd be sacrificed for people who weren't even worth a second of His time. it would be like a destitute beggar, offering the last morsel of food he owned to rats, so that they could survive when he starved to death. except the human race is infinitely worse than rodents. how did Jesus manage to find joy in that predicament? as He was sweating blood, had He joy? as He bore His wooden cross along the streets, had He joy? as He hung upon the tree, watching as soldiers gambled for His garments, a crown of thorns placed upon His brow and a mocking sign placed above Him...had He joy? i would assume so, but...how is that humanly possible? that's where God comes in, isn't it, when things that are impossible by our standards become not only possible, but achieved.

i'm not going to lie to you, i'm tired...and it's a weariness that goes down to the soul. this lethargy is one i'm familiar with. certainly not a friend, but too common to be an enemy at this point. it's like watching a flame, slowly melting the candle into nothing but wax, flickering upon the wick. occasionally somebody passes by to give it a blow, and the flame dances and lessens. sometimes the flame dies down to nothing but a few glowing embers, barely managing to spark back to life.

i don't know where i'm going with this one either.

bits and pieces

On my knees, dim lighted room, thoughts free flow, try to consume myself in this. I'm not faithless, just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose. Ignorance is bliss, cherish it; pretty neighbourhoods, learn too much to hold. Believe it not, and fight the tears with pretty smiles and lies about the times. A year goes by, and I can't talk about it. The times weren't right, but I couldn't talk about it. Romance says goodnight, close your eyes and I'll close mine. Remember you, remember me, hurt the first, the last, between? And I'm praying that we will see something there in between, then and there that exceeds all we can dream, so we can talk about it.

And all these twisted thoughts I see Jesus there in between.
-----

so now i'm left with a single post it on my wall, with the phrase "what is the central problem?" the note serves a dual purpose, firstly to get me thinking about where i want to go with my story, and secondly...it makes me look at myself and really think...why do i feel this way? and the first thing that comes to my mind is, "yeah. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ and _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _". for those of you who are a little confused, those are two people who i wish not to name. but...the problem goes deeper than those two, doesn't it? "I'm not faithless, just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose." like any other normal person, i hate losing. i abhor having...having to be a clark kent. if you don't watch smallville, i guess you won't understand my underlying message.
Season Five. Episode Twelve. Twenty three minutes, twelve seconds. Twenty three minutes, nineteen seconds.
and you know, with each and every passing moment, i'm left in the boots (or perhaps in his case, polished dress shoes) of one oliver queen. "this is it, isn't it? the moment i'm going to regret for the rest of my life." but i don't think i'm ever going to get an answer, because by that time the moment has passed. any regrets would be pointless. so the question quickly becomes, "how do you know?" the realization of "you can't" immediately arises, but that can't be true, can it? there has to be some way one can be certain. but perhaps you truly never can know, and that's where reliance upon God's plan for you comes into effect; trusting him with every facet of your life, not just some of them. yet that's only the first half, because after asking Him, there needs to be a reply...and catching the reply, that's what is so difficult, because humans are bad at listening. and even if we do manage to pick out God's answer amidst a sea of static and white noise of society, we have an even harder time to obey what we've been given if it doesn't meet up to our expectations.

so is that the problem of the human race? we don't ask, and when we do, we don't listen for an answer, and when we do, we expect it to be what we want, and when it is, we sing and rejoice and praise God, and when it isnt...well, is that where joy comes into the equation? to be joyful in all circumstances. does that mean we laugh and sing at every unfortunate happening in our lives? no, but we appreciate the situation and what God is trying to teach us, right? by nature, we don't smile and cry with happiness when a close family member passes away. no, the tears are of sadness and mourning, yet can't we thank God and be joyful that He blessed us with that one person?

so now it's boiled down to joy. great, the one thing i happen to struggle with. i remember quite vividly, sitting in room 101 (the lab for all you nonpcaers) on one of the tables. my teacher/friend was on the table opposite, conversing with me and instructing me. i also recall the biblical excerpt she told me about, how joy comes from God...and how one man sought the glory of God, but He knew that His glory would be too great. so God placed the man within a cleft of a mountain, and let him see a small portion of His glory, and that man was so overcome by joy. true, unadulterated joy. and then we prayed that God show me His glory, that i be placed so that i could catch sight of the tiniest bit of His robe, of His presence, so the joy be lit within my life. for the next little while, i prayed earnestly that God show me His glory, for the joy and passion for Him be rekindled. but not all stories have happy endings, neh? after a while, those prayers just...faded. i guess i was happy for a while, yet we all know how fickle happiness can be. how fleeting its nature is. but if that's true, then why do so many people remain seeking it out? a friend of mine once said that perhaps happiness was not something meant for her in her life, that happiness would not be something she lived for. initially, i was a little taken aback and thought, '...now THAT has to be a tad bleak'. but the more she debated with someone else upon the topic of happiness and life goals, it dawned upon me how similar i was with her. i shouldn't be striving for happiness either, that happiness should be a byproduct of things that i do, but not my primary goal. my desires should be to help others, to spread a little light into their lives...and if that brings me a little happiness as a result, then that's great. however, happiness should never be on my list of top priorities, because maybe...maybe happiness just isn't worth it.

i really don't know where i went with this.

maud - no, not the flanders, the real maud.

Half the night I waste in sighs,
Half in dreams I sorrow after
The delight of early skies;
In a wakeful dose I sorrow
For the hand, the lips, the eyes,
For the meeting of the morrow . . .
-Tennyson

so it's been two days since i've returned to western, and i'm finding that really. there's no place like home. i mean, yeah we get a lot more freedom in university, but really, i'd take the comfort of home and family over the ability to do things when and how i want them...because really, in the end, what can be more important than the people who raised you and brought you up to be who you are today? friends, no matter how close you think they may be, can fade, but family will always be there. if you don't want to be someone's friend, you can just stop chilling with them. but no matter how far you go, your mother will always be your mother, your father your father, and your sibling your sibling.

...just wanted to get that off my chest.

on sleepless roads the sleepless go.

old movies can be so good, you know? especially ones with good soundtracks, and that movie had an awesome soundtrack. sure, maybe not emotionally powerful like orchestral movements in epics, but just...one you can sit and listen to, and not be annoyed by any of the songs. at least, for me anyway.

--
the jagged cliffs were worlds apart, and as the small company stood before it, they couldn't help but feel both awed and despaired. they couldn't go back, yet this impassable hindrance barred them further passage. to come so close to their goal, yet be denied! freedom, peace, and everything good was just on the other side, but no physical labour, no ethereal magick could aid them now. the only thing available to them now was the tedious process of sitting and waiting for the end to come, in whichever form it would take. a few hours still remained before [they] would catch up, leaving [them] with time to think upon what could have been. they'd travelled such a long, arduous path in hopes of [changing everything], and they had almost made it; and that was what broke the spirit so mercilessly. only having glorious victory stolen from their grasp could fatigue the soul in a way that went right into the core. to be so weary one felt hollow and emptied out. to be truly tired.

as [she] sat and gazed out over the panorama, arms resting on propped up knees, she couldn't help but dream. what if they could just jump and somehow clear the canyon, over the raging waters and thorny brush below, above the dashing rocks and bridge remains, what if? the wind swept her hair wildly, but she didn't care. maintaining beauty was a fruitless task she'd given up long ago on this journey, showing how much she'd come to mature ever since the whole affair had begun. and yet, in her sparkled a different type of beauty, one that shone beyond the dust and sweat, the tear stains and scratches that marred her once perfect complexion. it was indescribable, yet heightened by the warm glow of the sun's rays touching her face, lifting her chin to stare up at the sky. had this all been for nothing, to have pushed so very far yet come up empty handed? perhaps, but a smile tugged at the corner of her dry lips. she'd do it all over again if given the choice, without a moment's hesitation.

a hand came to rest on her shoulder. at one time, the hand had been smooth and soft, tamed by the luxuries of society, but now it was both rough and callused. every line upon it spoke of a different tale, a different battle, and he remembered them all with vivid clarity. yet despite its worn exterior, [she] could feel the comfort it represented, tilting her head to rest her cheek upon it for a moment to acknowledge the gesture. [he] withdrew his hand and limped forwards, coming to a stop upon what seemed like the very edge of the world. this had never been fair to begin with; every road was stacked against them, yet together they had come through it all, sometimes emerging with fewer people than they went in with. but for the rest of them, this effort had been entirely voluntary, never had they been forced to continue. at any given moment they could have walked away and resumed their normal lives, but no. inexplicably, they had remained by him until the venture had become something personal to them all. and now, the moment when each and every one had come to acknowledge it, it was over, unless...

gazing out over the titanic gorge carved out in the earth, he spoke softly. "i need you to trust me, one more - one last - time."
--

what have i learned over this past holiday? i think the proper summary would be something like, "to look beyond". there are things and people i've come to see that have really always been there, but in the midst of everything and everyone else...i've managed to miss. and in light of this pseudo-enlightenment, i've also come to realize that i really cannot have it all. nobody can. at many points, almost every single second in our lives, we have to choose. should i get up and go to church today? should i do my homework? should i, should i, should i? and, to be honest with you, i'm seriously bad at making decisions. i hate having to choose because then you're left with the lingering, bitter game of 'what if?' and that is one game i hate with a passion, because you never win. but you know, and now i know, that you have to buckle down and make up your mind. there will always be consequences. it's inevitable. it's pointless to try and avoid the repercussions, because that in and of itself will bring upon its own onslaught of penalties.

anyway.