growing up, i've always been taught the differences between right and wrong, and that you should always do the right thing even if it means you get hurt in the process. every day we're surrounded by that lesson; look at today's modern superheroes. most of them sacrifice themselves to protect others for no apparent reason besides their set of morals (unless you're the hulk and have returned from the gladiator planet and want to destroy earth, that promises to be pretty sick...BLACK BOLT?!). but...is that what makes a hero? their abilities aside, their morals are exactly what separates them from the villians, right? yet in life, things are rarely ever black and white...
and yes, enter the wondrous shades of grey. they make life so complicated because in the end, though your intentions may have been stark white, you end up compromising to please as many people as possible, speckling the white with spots of black. does this condemn us to a life of mediocrity? and by that i mean a life where we are always bound to the dull grey or glossy black, never to be hinted at the lustrous white? it seems a little depressing when you look at it that way...but then there's the lion king. yes, i said it. the lion king. now, let's pretend there are no hidden sexual innuendos and messages in the movie and focus on one particular scene: mufasa's mystical return from beyond the grave to speak to simba as a figure of the clouds.
"father, i don't know what i'm supposed to do!"
"my son. remember who you are."
and that speaks to me in so many ways. sure i may have paraphrased it but it sounds right in my head. but so many nights now i lie in bed after doing devotions and pray, asking God to tell me how to live the way. my current devotional study is going through how your heart and your mind have to be in perfect synchronization. the corresponding analogy is about the mountain deer, and how it runs. you see, when a mountain deer is bounding from stone to stone, the hind hooves will always land precisely - never more than a few millimeters - where the front hooves were, because then it is assured a solid, dependable surface from which to propel off of. and that is like the human heart and mind, how if even one is off an inch...we will fall from the heights of spirituality. the book spoke of several examples, one of them being the mother of amaziah in chronicles 25:2. amaziah followed the Lord's commands and destroyed the edomites...but then brought their gods back home and began to worship them. while in mind he may have committed himself to God, his heart spoke otherwise.
so where am i taking this? i never seem to know until i reach the end. yeah. remember who you are. remember who i am. who am i?
my name is curtis, and i was born into a christian family with a mother and a father and two older sisters. i lived in 4 osmund court with a big backyard and even a swingset to play on. there was once a flower garden in the backyard as well, but my father ended up covering it with turf. there was a crab apple tree i would pick the fruit from and throw them through the hole in the corner fencing down a hill. i loved the ninja turtles while my sisters loved rainbow bright. i once cheated on the extra math homework my mother gave me and was eventually caught and had to do it all over again. i broke the glass light fixture because i was playing baseball indoors. there was a secret room in the sub-basement where i would always hide during games of hide-and-go-seek. i remember during a big dinner i called everyone to the front foyer where i stood on top of the stairs before somersaulting forward and rolling like a cannonball down said steps...and hit the wall. i used to race around the court on my ninja turtles bike pretending i was in the grand prix formula one races...until one day i turned too sharply and fell over, sliding a few feet and getting scraped all over. i quit biking then.
i attended peoples christian academy happily until my family had to move because my eldest sister was gifted and was accepted into earl haig. our house was not in the district, so we moved to one that was. it was hard to leave my home because it was the one. not too big, but not too small either. my new home was a semi-detached, extremely cramped but it wasn't too bad. for the first time in four years i began biking again...until i accidentally rammed into a car. i quit biking again. i remember when my cousins sold their house and moved in with my family until they could procure a new one. i shared my small room with my older cousin chris. while i would plop down in front of my ancient computer and play commander keen, chris would go to the basement to his faster one and play 3d deer hunting and watch joecartoons and grampa grumble. yes, i won't forget that time because that was when i realized how things were so different. his family had a family devotions time every night in which they talked over their day and prayed for each other. did my family do that? no. my father was gone for work before i woke up and came back after i was asleep. in essence, i had no father. whenever i think back upon life at 33 bessarion road, i never remember too much because the years felt so hollow.
i moved again. 185 mckee avenue. not exactly a mansion but indubitably quite the large abode. i'm proud of this home, not for its size but because what i have accomplished in it. i discovered the evils of the internet and fought against it in my own personal life. i struggled with my spiritual life and came to know many other believers who would always grant me advice and friendship. i came to terms with having grown up lacking the influence of a father and saw how i resented the shabby relationship. i almost committed suicide - multiple times. there are a lot of things that i am not proud of, yet i should be because i defeated them. and the things i still deal with today are things i know God is stationed at my back. i still grow frustrated at my father much of the time, and i still have problems with my temper and trying to deal with the faults of others. i can be rather unforgiving when i choose to be, yet i know that i should be forgiving even if i would choose not to be. yet i do not despair because i remember who i am and where i came from. peoples christian academy provided me an excellent place to develop as a person in Christ, offering me the spiritual support when i needed it the most. it may not be the most luxurious nor grandiose of educational facilities, but it is one of the best if you choose to make the most of it.
so even if i'm trapped in a world of grey, i know what should be done because i remember who i am. my name is curtis and i am a loved and blessed child of God, the Father clothed in most brilliant white. does this mean that i'll be perfect? no, far from it, because no matter how much white you add to a pre-existant mixture of grey, that colour will never return fully to white once again. but i can try because that should be my goal in life: to become more like Christ. so to you, you who are unsure of what to do when thrust into situations where everything seems grey...remember who you are and the values that were ingrained in your heart at birth. remember the Father who sent His son down to die for you so that you could live forever. remember the man who was mounted on two planks of wood and mocked for hours until he died, remember how he did it all for you. and then stop and think. is the choice you're about to make worthy of that sacrifice? don't make an empty decision your heart does not support, otherwise you would not have chosen at all. if you swear to follow Christ in your mind but do not fully support it with your heart, then nothing will come of it.
"Although the mind is important, the heart is even more important because that is the engine room of our personality - the part from which comes our drive and motivation. That is why our Lord says, 'Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.'"
so what am i trying to say...i guess it would be this: don't compromise who you are in Christ for who you want to be in the world. and until you are truly ready to be for Christ, examine yourself to synchronize your heart and your mind. otherwise, you'll quickly find, as i have, that it's just not worth it.
posted by curt @ 3:32 PM
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