this isn't the life i dreamed about.
this isn't how i envisioned it.
this isn't what i wanted things to be like.

but i've realized that a lot of things in my life tend to not pan out quite so well. i've also come to realize a few things about myself.

- i'm fairly easy to frustrate and annoy.
- i'm far too indecisive for my own good.
- i haven't really changed myself for the better as a person.
- i've certainly degenerated from what i used to be.

i was looking through old albums of pictures and collections of records from the past that my family had stored and i came across my elementary school report cards. mrs harris wrote:

curtis is a brilliant student, but does not do any more work than is necessary. he often does only what is required unless encouraged to do more.

and let me be the first to tell you, i'm EXACTLY like that to this day. i abhor doing more than what somebody asks for. my parents also stored away notes they had taken from a parent-teacher interview night in the courses i was struggling with in grade eleven...all of the teachers said that i had the potential to be an 80s, even a 90's student if i just applied myself to the material instead of being satisfied with simply coasting on a passing grade. mind you, i graduated with an 82 average, so it's not like i was bombing everything, but all of my teachers believed that i was capable of so much more. but i think i'd already convinced myself that i wasn't able to become that 90s kind of student.

i continued flipping through the album and came to a new, more interesting document. it was the results of an IQ test i took when i was a mere eight years of age. in all of the tested subjects (object testing, vocabulary, comprehension, math, and so on), i was in the 95th or 96% percentile, developing at a "superior rate" (direct quote, not trying to brag), and possessed an IQ of 127 points - 23 shy of "genius". looking at that, i think you'll agree with me when i say that when i was eight years old, i had a HECK load of potential. but i never really did anything with it.

curtis was unusually proper. he kept his hands folded neatly on the desk and politely answered the questions when asked. after about an hour of testing he finally became more animated and curious, and began to "push" the boundaries. for example, in the object testing, he would take one of the pieces and hide it in his hands, returning it only when nicely asked to do so.

is that who i used to be? i should probably go sleep now so i'll finish this train of thought some other day.

"hey curt?"
"mhm?"
"what's your belief on the idea of 'soul mates', that there's only one person out there for you?"

when you asked that, you had no idea how ironic the question was, nor the flood of memories it brought back through my head.