so i had this post that was seriously long 'cause i was cramming everything i had been feeling lately into it, but realized that some people might have gotten offended because i mentioned specific names. okay, well not SPECIFIC names. but names that would have been recognizable to those who are "in the know". and when i thought about it some more, i came to the conclusion that the post should be taken down - or never been posted in the first place - because i am no one to judge. i have neither the right nor the place to comment (read: SLANDER) others, no matter how frustrated i may have been feeling at the time. i was simply annoyed because i was trying to read a book for one of my courses at the time...and all the person could do was whine.
so yeah.
what am i left with now? absolutely nothing. when i went to bed yesterday i was thinking, the kind of thinking that i HATE because i always get left with the short end of the stick, about myself and my relationships with a few other people, one in particular. and it dawned (or dusked? har har) on me: i am nothing special in anybody's eyes. not including His, of course, because everybody is equally loved, equally special in His eyes.
but in terms of THIS world. i am nothing special. nothing out of the ordinary. in fact, i'm probably fairly mediocre in many standards. i am flawed (well, that's assumed). i am imperfect (ditto). and then i remember Bean, the little boy from rotterdam who had to make his own way around. julian delphiki, an illegal experiment to turn anton's key and thus produce an amazing level of genius. he was given the name Bean because, the first time he tried to really go anywhere, another boy stated about him scornfully (excuse my french),
"he ain't worth a damn bean."
to which bean replied,
"am so."
and from then on his name was Bean. everybody thought he would amount to nothing, that the tiny runt of a child would die of starvation because, as poke observed, he was not one scared of death or running from it, because
death was already in him. and yet little Bean, the boy who everybody thought never would be, became everything he could be. and more. yet somehow i don't have that bright of an outlook for myself. i don't know where i'm going. unlike Bean, i truly am nothing special. Bean was simply coated in a layer of soot that, eventually, he shook himself of to reveal the gleaming silver beneath. for me, though, all there is under the soot is a lump of coal.
i am nothing special. so why does He care about me? why does He love me the way only He can? if i am nothing special, why do i matter to Him? why did He take the time to create every cell in my body, to know how many hairs are upon my head? as nothing special, i deserve nothing from Him. maybe this is what the woman at the well felt like. she had figured herself to be nothing, yet here came Christ, willing to get to know her and offer her life everlasting.
to be loved is to be known and to be known is to be loved.
it's a profound statement, even if i thought that the video used that line way too much so that it lost its effect around three quarters of the way through. i am nothing special, yet He loves me and knows me, and even if He didn't love me, He would want to love me. even if He didn't know me, He would want to know me. He would start to love me. He would get to know me. and it's boggling as to why.
...woah. it's not so much an epiphany as it is a random realization, but...woah. modernity. the phenomenon of industrial life. modernity. the mother who gave birth to therapeutic culture. therapeutic culture. the curative to the feelings of paranoia. that really, we are insignificant and small.
i need a cottage to go to. or maybe a park. or maybe...just a good book.
